Sex, Drink, and Thunder n' Lightning
by Hawki
Summary: Oneshot: What do you do when you discover that you're the goddess of thunder, and that the only people who might have helped you deal with this are actually a bunch of morons? Well, I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure booze is the answer.


_A/N_

_So, among other things, _Thor: Love and Thunder _has been announced. And truth be told, right now, I'm withholding my enthusiasm._

_What's that you say? Something something Lady Thor, something something SJW-Marvel? Um, no, that's not it. Well, not really. Thing is, I figured if you wanted a fourth _Thor _film, I'd have thought Brunnhilde would be a far more logical choice as the protagonist than Jane at this point. Since _End Game _ends with "yeah, sure, become queen of Asgard, because that's obstensibly the conclusion of your character arc," actually exploring that sounds more interesting to me than just making Jane, a character we haven't seen since Phase 2, "Lady Thor." I'm not saying that the film can't/won't explore this, but still, the idea of Jane returning at this point seems like dead weight._

_On the other hand, it's being directed by Taika Waititi again, and if films like _Ragnarok _and _Hunt for the Wilderpeople _(seriously, watch HftW if you haven't seen it) have demonstrated anything, it's that anything Taika touches turns to gold. Well, maybe not _Breaker Upperers_, but he was only producer there, so..._

_Anyway, drabbled this up. And by drabbled, I mean "let's see how dirty I can be in 30 minutes of writing." So, um, yeah._

* * *

**Sex, Drink, and Thunder n' Lightning**

"So this is your look," said Thor, son of Odin, as he looked over the Lady Foster. "It's a good look."

Jane couldn't help but smile. "You're just flattering me."

"Um, no, I'm not."

"Oh?" The smile faded.

"Yes. You see, when I first appeared to you in armour, you said it was a good look. Now that you're in armour, I thought it would be clever to repeat those words." He took a swig of the green liquid he was drinking from a crystal decanter. "Smart, no?"

"Um, sure," Jane murmured. "Very smart."

The god of thunder and former leader of Asgard smirked and took another sip, the liquid trickling out of his mouth and down his unkempt beard.

"Really like the new look you're going with," Jane said.

"Hmm?" He kept drinking.

"Oh yes. The hair, the beard, the body odour." She shifted her chair back a bit, fighting the urge to gag. "Really like what you've done with yourself."

"Ah, flattery!" He pounded the table. "Hear that talking rabbit? The Lady Foster knows how to play the Great Game!"

_The what?_

"Not a rabbit dickwad." A talking raccoon bound up on the table.

_The hell? _Jane recoiled, and all the more so when he looked at her. "Oh hey sweet cheeks. I ain't seen your pretty face since I shoved a needle up your arse."

Jane scrambled to her feet, suddenly feeling very, _very _ill. And the so-called talking rabbit must have noticed, because he said, "oh, ain't that kind of stick. Though I'll have you know that my stick is more impressive than half the sticks on the ship." He gave Jane a wink. She looked at Thor, who was drinking more of the green liquid.

_Yep. Definitely a mistake._

She didn't know how it had come down to this. It only seemed like yesterday when she'd been a run of the mill astrophysicist. Next thing she knew, she was teaming up with a god, then witnessing an alien invasion, then encountering dark elves, then going steady with a god, then breaking up with a god, then being reduced to dust, and then being chosen by Mjolnir for some unknown reason, and now? Now she was in New Asgard, because that was the only recourse she had left right now. Because even with the hammer at her side, even clad in armour, even with an increase in muscle, including, but not limited to, arms, legs, and certain other assets, she felt small.

_No wonder this place never gets any visitors. _She looked around the room they were in – nine by six feet in what was the dining area of Hotel Valhalla. The first, and only hotel in New Asgard, designed to cater to lesser mortals (a.k.a. Midgardians) as they basked in the glory of their betters. As it turned out, when she'd checked in, she'd gotten a discount by being the second visitor ever.

The first person was called Magnus Chase. She didn't know why, but she could swear that name was familiar.

"Anyway!" Thor yelled. He thumped his hand down on the table, causing Jane to recoil. "Where is she then? Where is the Queen of the Ice and Snow?"

_Led Zeppelin?_

"Where is Brunnhilde, the Valkyrie, who I know has led the people so well in my absence?"

_Yeah, where is she? _Jane looked around the room. She hadn't expected Thor and the Guardians of the Galaxy to show up. Nor was she expecting them to be debating as to whether Asgardians of the Galaxy was a better title. But she'd talked to the woman named Brunnhilde last night, as she'd sought help with the whole "new god of thunder thing," and while she'd obviously been drunk, she'd at least promised to meet her here this morning.

"Brunnhilde!" Thor bellowed.

"I'm here. I'm here!"

Jane stared as she saw a woman stagger down the stairs. In her left hand was a bottle of red liquid. In the other was…well, Jane didn't know what it was exactly, but she certainly recognised the smell.

"Brunnhilde!" Thor got to his feet.

"Pipe down…" she slurred.

"Do you not recognise me? The former king, come to check on the current queen?"

She stopped staggering, looked at the bearded weirdo in front of her, and stared. "Thor?"

"Come on. Hug." He took a step forward.

_This isn't going to end well, _Jane thought.

Brunnhilde grabbed her former king's arm, and slammed both him and it on the table.

_Yep. There we go._

"You absolute bastard," she said.

"Um, no, my mum and dad were married when they had me."

Brunnhilde twisted his arm even further. "You. _You_."

"You?" Jane asked.

"Me?" Thor asked.

"Him?" Rocket asked.

"I am Groot," came a voice.

"What?" Jane asked, seeing the talking tree in the doorway.

"You," Brunnhilde repeated. "You just saunter off, leave me to pick up your pieces, and now, two years later, you just pop back like nothing's changed?" She staggered back. "Go to Hel." She looked at Jane, and after drinking more of the liquid, said, "that's Hell with one 'el,' Not two."

"Um, yeah, I know."

"Really? Like, I know you think Hell has two 'els,' but it's really got one. Like, I dunno if you're trying to overcompensate for something…"

"I know a lot about overcompensating for something," Rocket murmured.

"…but one 'el." She leant forward and bumped Jane on the nose. "_One_."

Jane nodded. "Got it. One."

Brunnhilde smirked. "Odin's arse you're fuckable."

"_Excuse me_?"

She got to her feet and looked at Thor. "See why you got into her. Dunno what went wrong, but telling you, she's a keeper."

Thor shrugged.

"He still cries about you at night," Rocket said. He winked at Jane. "The way you dumped him."

"She did…I…" Thor cleared his throat. "Mutual dumping. We mutually agreed that it would be mutually beneficial to mutually end things…mutually."

"Um, yeah, that's not what happened," Jane said. "I dumped you."

"No, you-"

"Yeah, I'm so sorry that you had commitments with your hammer and all that, but…" She took a breath. "Long story short, I dumped him."

Brunnhilde smirked. "I could go for the long story."

"Yeah, bet you could go for a lot of long things," Rocket said.

"I am Groot."

"Whoa man, keep it clean," Rocket said.

"I am Groot?"

"Yes, I know what Peter and Nebula are doing right now."

"I am Groot!"

"Yeah, I know it's pity sex, but blue's nearly as good as green."

"I am-"

"Okay!" Jane yelled, her voice echoing throughout the hotel with more sound and force than what was humanly possible. "Much as I'd like to talk to the walking houseplant, it seems I'm the only one who isn't drunk…"

"Oi!" Rocket yelled.  
"…who isn't a talking rabbit." She cleared her breath, before looking at Thor. "You stink." She looked at Brunnhilde. "You're drunk." She looked at the tree. "I don't know what the fuck you are."

"I am Groot."

"That's who, not what."

"Actually," said Rocket. "He just explained that his species is a-"

"Point is," Jane said, as she lifted Mjolnir. "Thor's hammer has chosen me. Thought you said it was destroyed by a psycho who looks a lot like Cate Blanchett, but whatever, it's back, and it's all…hammer. Like Thor, it's a lousy boyfriend, because it's so damn clingy. So I come here, looking for help, only…"

"Only I need help," said Brunnhilde. She stumbled into a seat and rubbed her head. "Ugh. Sorry. Long night."

"The drinking?" Jane sneered.

"Well, that. Plus, I booked a room here and discovered that pity sex is so loud it ruins regular sex."

Thor nodded. "Sharing the _Milano _with those two, I can attest."

"Yeah, me too," Rocket said, before shrugging. "I mean, what, Thanos makes Nebula a cyborg but keeps that particular part intact?"

Jane felt like throwing up in her mouth.

"Anyway," Brunnhilde said. She looked at Thor. "Here's your problem – you have no idea what to do with your life. My problem is that I _do _know what I want to do with my life."

"Which is?" Jane asked.

"Drinking, fucking, and drinking." She took a sip. "Also playing _Fortnite_."

Thor went to say something bur Brunnhilde beat him to it. "Relax, buddy, I set up my own account."

"Oh thank the gods."

"Besides, you suck."

Thor took a small sip of the green liquid. "Well, I wouldn't say suck, but-"

"No, you suck. Fenrir's arse, even Korg's a better player than you." She sighed. "Still, if I'm going to be queen of Asgard, I need a king. Or queen. Whatever."

"Um, if you don't mind," Jane murmured, "what I'd actually like is-"

"Oh, yeah." Brunnhilde gave her a small shove. "Something-something-worthy, something-something-power inside, something-something…" She looked at Thor. "Come on, aren't you the one who had daddy issues?"

He shrugged.

"Any motivational speeches for the new goddess of thunder?"

He gave a small grin.

"Wow. You really are the Arsegardians of the Galaxy."

"Guardians," Rocket murmured.

"Asgardians," Thor said. "I think you meant-"

"I meant Arsegardians!" Brunnhilde snapped.

"No, I think you meant-"

"**Enough!"**

Her voice echoed throughout the room. There was static in the air. Her hair stood on end. Mjolnir was shaking. The entire room was shaking. And even as the lightning faded from her eyes, the people around her were still cowering.

"Okay," Jane whispered. "Seeing as I'm the only adult in the room-"

"Lady, please, we're older than you by…" Brunnhilde trailed off as Jane glared at her. "Um, sure. You go girl."

"You," said Jane, as she turned to Thor, "are a mess." She gave him a shove. "I get it – you've lost your home, your family, your brother, and you're hanging out in space with talking rabbits, talking trees, and blue people. You know what? Get over it. You're better than this. I've seen it, your people have seen it, and for God's sake, take a shower!"

Thor lowered his head. "As always, Lady Foster, your wisdom is-"

"You," said Jane, as she glared at Brunnhilde, "are a mess. You're a scrapper who's become queen of Asgard, and you're terrified. So you're drinking, fucking, and playing crap like _Fortnite_. Well, here's something. You don't need the drink, because you survived on the other side of the Devil's Anus for centuries. You don't need the fucking, because when you find someone who's worthy to rule beside you, just their presence is rewarding enough. And you don't need to play _Fortnite_, because _Apex Legends _is way better."

Brunnhilde, who'd been sipping more of the red liquid, spat it out.

"You," said Jane, as she looked at Rocket. "You're probably the sanest person in this room right now, and I don't know if that's amusing, sad, or both. But…" She took a breath. "Yeah, I've got nothing."

"Really?"

"Yes. You…aren't that bad."

"Heh." Rocket nudged Thor. "Told ya my dick's bigger."

"And you," said Jane, as she looked at the walking, talking tree that was still hanging around in the doorway. "You…you…"

"I am Groot?"

"Yes. You're Groot. So go be Grooty and do Grooty…things." She turned back to the table. "Is that all?"

"Well, Peter and Nebula still have issues, and Drax and Mantis surprisingly don't have issues, so…maybe?" Rocket asked.

Jane took a breath.

"Or just…do your thing."

She looked down at Mjolnir, then at Thor. "Alright. Here's the thing. You're going to take a shower. After that, you're helping me figure out what the heck's just happened. Deal?"

He nodded. "Of course."

"Good." She took a sip of the green liquid. "Now I…oh…oh boy…I…"

"Um, yeah," Rocket said. "I'm going to take a wild guess and say that just because you're the new goddess of thunder doesn't mean you have the same constitution as dickless here."

Jane couldn't understand it – why were there three rabbits talking to her? She tried asking the table, but it didn't give any answers. Bastard.

Ten seconds later, as she puked her guts out into the toilet, it turned out that it was also one for the silent treatment.


End file.
